Toxic Relationships

I studied peace and conflict and the term “toxic relationships” didn’t mean anything to me.

Until I was in a toxic relationship. And even then I did not see it: I needed my professor to point that out to me.

Even if I would have seen it, I would have argued myself out of believing it.

I have the benefit that life gift me a teacher I was unable to receive. My toxic relationship came a life in my marriage. Toxicity was mirrored to me, surrounded me, and suffocated me.

During my healing process, I thought it had to do with them. Books prove this to me.

After I healed, I saw how the toxicity I received, received toxic soil to grow in.

“You aren’t…”

“I need you to…”

“This can’t be happening…”

“How dare you…”

My value, worth, and security were all mixed up: they believed they needed someone or something outside of me to give me permission for being.

Toxic relationships start with toxic relationships in our being.

These can look like rules about survival:

“I need to his/her/their approval.”

"I need to earn money.”

“Life is not supportive.”

And these can also look like thoughts that are all mixed up with conditionals, like:

“When he/she/they approves of me, then I’ll be safe.”

“When my dream comes true, then I’ll be happy.”

“When I give enough, then I deserve to be here”.

Toxic thoughts hurt my life, personally. They close me down, keep me in “I know”, keep me in defence, and personally prevent me from receiving anything outside of this experience. Toxic relationships had a habit of taking on responsibility that doesn’t belong to me. That habit drained my energy, destroyed my immune system, and kept me in a state of chronic stress.

De-toxifing life, doesn’t mean we have to kick the people we love our of our life, and it does mean that we have an invitation to return to our realm of business, and care for that like a boss.